Fahrenheit 451

Two Questions:

Who are you?

And what did you do with Dick Cheney?

Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?

Alanis Morissette turning out an excellent alterna-folk Lilith Fair ballad about her lovely lady humps.

As Will Ferrel says in Blades of Glory, "No one knows what it means - but it's provocative!"

A little while ago I re-read Moby Dick and I came across this little passage in chapter 94.

Squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me; and I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co-laborers' hands in it, mistaking their hands for the gentle globules. Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continually squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say,- Oh! my dear fellow beings, why should we longer cherish any social acerbities, or know the slightest ill-humor or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness.

I think someone got a little carried away...

And don't give me any of that "things were different in the 19th century" business. I don't care when it is, you don't choose to sail on a boat for years at a time living in close quarters with men because you love women too much.

Anyway, it's a good book, much funnier than I remember (19th century comedy) and with some interesting action scenes. I'm thinking specifically about the time the indian harpooneer falls into the sperm case of a dead whale's head and then the head breaks free of the ship and starts to sink. You just don't see much of that anymore these days.

Hmmm, an indian sliding down into the oily sperm case of a whale's head - in such an allegorical book I'm sure there's no deeper meaning there...

To get this kicked off let's begin at the beginning. I could talk about who I am and cover all the superficial stuff but to get at the heart of who someone is I think you need to start with what they believe. And not just God, yes or no, but everything (depending on what you believe that is God, but more on that later).

My wife and I were watching Bull Durham the other day and the "what do you believe?" scene got me thinking that I need to update my list. If you find yourself in a situation like that you want to be prepared. You also want to have your soundtrack queued up.

So here goes...

I believe in the golden rule.

I believe in the power of the written word.

I believe life is empty without art.

I believe socialism has some good ideas but it won't work because you need more than one person to run the system and that automatically breaks it.

I believe in K'ung-fu-tzu a.k.a. Confucius.

I believe the bicycle is the single greatest mechanical invention in history.

I believe the first half of the 20th century was a really interesting time to be alive.

I believe patriotism and politics can be mutually exclusive.

I believe in having eclectic musical taste (Bix Beiderbecke, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Johnny Mercer, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Heart (70s only), Bob Marley, The Go Gos, REM, Dixie Chicks, Fountains of Wayne, etc.)

I believe we should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action. (a quote by Frank Tibolt, whoever he is)

I believe in Chris Claremont's X-Men (and not just because he was my neighbor in Brooklyn - Hi Chris!)

I believe that overpopulation is the at the root of all environmental problems.

I believe Soylent Green is people!

I believe that Sean Connery as James Bond and Playboy magazine in the sixties captured the essence of the "magnificent bastard." A man-about-town who I would like to be but have no hope of emulating.

I believe I'm what women refer to as "nice." Not dangerous, exciting, dark, or mysterious. Nice.

I believe men and women can be friends (No, the men don't have to be gay to make it work - and yes, men are still thinking about sex even though we're just friends. Let's be honest here people.)

I believe there's a very slow kind of magic in discovering and understanding something new.

I believe the history of aviation from Langley's aerodrome to Apollo 17 is humanity's greatest achievement.

I believe the best Star Wars films are, in order: IV, V, VI, II, III, I

I believe in the new Battlestar Galactica. It's Frackin' awesome!

I believe in science fiction (perhaps you were starting to get that idea.)

I believe Casablanca is the best movie ever made.

I believe Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers dancing is the best metaphor for sex ever captured on film.

I believe you will find something to do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk.

I believe Star Trek captains (and shows) should be ranked in this order: Kirk, Janeway, Picard, Archer, Sisko. That's right, Kathryn "Mrs. Columbo" Janeway.

I believe the concept of rational self-interest is just an excuse to treat other people poorly. If you're keeping score that makes Adam Smith and Ayn Rand assholes.

I believe "compassionate conservatism" is a euphamism for rational self-interest. If you're keeping score that makes George W. Bush and his whole administration assholes.

I belive God is everything. You, me, this table, that rock, a speck of dust three galaxies over, and the empty space in between. Everything.

I believe organized religion is a really bad idea. See socialism.

I believe in Beatles.

And I believe in me.

I could keep going. And, in fact, I probably will add to this list in future but I think this covers a lot of the big topics. In future posts I'll be expanding on a lot of this stuff in essays along the lines of the "This I Believe..." series on NPR. The only reason I bring up NPR is because I'm an insufferable dilettante. Did I mention that already?